Metro May Need More Rate Hikes to Install "Reverse" Function

In the midst of morning rush hour, desperate commuters on Metro's red line (in the direction of Grovernor) were trapped for several minutes after the train's conductor overshot the platform by several cars.

"I knew something was up," reports one disgruntled rider. "The conductor was in the middle of announcing the transfers at Metro Center, you know, 'Transfer to the blue line trains in the direction of...' and then she said 'uuuhhh' and stopped talking. Half my train's doors were not opening to the platform."

After several minutes of deliberation, the conductor came back to the loudspeaker to inform customers that the train would not be serving Metro Center after all.

"I was more than a little shocked," says Jackie Pearce of Silver Spring. "Though in retrospect, I guess I shouldn't have been. I mean, if wet leaves can cause catastrophic red line delays, and the orange line--don't get me started on the orange line, then I should not be surprised to learn that metrorail cars don't go backwards."

The Metro Board of Directors is considering various solutions, including but not limited to:

• a fare hike of $0.60 per ride to pay for a study that would document the environmental impact and consumer cost for installing reverse functions on all trains


• horse-drawn trains, which would be infinitely easier to reverse


• installing automatic transmissions on all trains--because, you know, when you let off the clutch you roll backwards sometimes. Oh shoot, unless you roll forward. I guess it would work if they park on a hill...


• hiring competent metrorail drivers

Protest Update

Our genius friend Lee got arrested outside his Discovery Channel protests. SilverSpringSingular reports that he was literally throwing money at the protestors. http://silverspringsingular.blogspot.com/

And on the protests discussion board itself: (Click here for the message board)

Been 3 all day. The 2 with him look to be paid. In fact I just watched him toss 3 stacks of money into the air at 8-10 pre-teen girls, who left after the money was gone. So sad. - HassinRI

Being a protestor is not a career, it's a volunteer duty. If you pay a volunteer, they are no longer volunteering. Thus, they are no longer valid protestors. I think deep down, you understand the illogic irony of paying a protestor, but you're too bull-headed to admit it. I hope you had them fill out their W-4's so that they can report that income on their taxes next year. - Hot Monkey Sex

And, lastly, all this from a guy who calls himself a world guardian? http://www.myspace.com/worldguardian

Stuff White People Like

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

In most situations, white people are very comforted by seeing their own kind. However, when they are eating at a new ethnic restaurant or traveling to a foreign nation, nothing spoils their fun more than seeing another white person.

Reads like an anthropologist/humorist field guide to white people. Strangely similar (but far funnier execution) to the Nanny Diaries starring the object of my mostly-platonic-girl-crush Scarlet Johansen.

I'm Marrying Voltaire, But He's a Computer Science Major

Tonight I found out that my beloved is a reincarnation of a philosopher. I guessed Voltaire not because I dabble in philosophy but because:

a. It's a French name and Jerry is Creole
b. He's one of four or five philosophers I am aware of.
c. I did actually read Candide once when I thought I could pass as a belligerent, moody, and--most importantly--self-obsessed intellectual.

So My Voltaire (formerly known as Jerry) took a philosophy classmate to town on the question of "Is it right because God commands it, or does God command it because it is right." A few of my favorite excerpts:

There is not a single document in existence that was not crafted by the hand of a human being, no matter who or what may have inspired that document. This is not a question of semantics. Until otherwise proven, all documents—including the bible—and therefore any laws put forth in those documents, are man made.

Thirdly, if you are only moral to avoid the wrath of God, are you truly moral or simply religious?

If... God declares jihad and polygamy moral should we reverse our own moral convictions simply to obey God? If we do, can we continue to call ourselves reasonable people despite the fact that we do not reach our positions by reason?

Missing: The Point

Forget Exxon Mobile. Forget Texaco. Forget General Motors and the Carlysle Group. Forget everything you knew about global warming and our dependence on foreign oil.

This gem of a jackass has taken out ads in the Washington Post Express for over a week advertising his protests against the Discovery Channel.



"We are running out of time to save this planet and the Discovery Channel is a big part of the problem, not the solution. Instead of showing successful solutions, their broadcast programs seem to be doing the opposite. Shows like 'Cash Cab' and 'Dirty Jobs' serve as diversions to keep the focus off what is really important," says Lee, who includes his picture in the advertisement so inspired protesters can connect with him onsite.